25+ Funny Abraham Lincoln Quotes to Cheer You Up
Abraham Lincoln—tall, wise, bearded, and apparently a comedian in his own right. While most know him for freeing the slaves, preserving the Union, and sporting the most iconic top hat in history, fewer realize that Honest Abe also had a fantastic sense of humor.
His wit was sharper than his axe, and lucky for us, history has preserved some of his funniest remarks.
Lincoln’s Presidential Punchlines
Even with the weight of a civil war on his shoulders, Lincoln still found time to crack jokes—probably to stay sane. Here are some of his best one-liners from his time in the White House.
- “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”
Lincoln, always ready with the self-burn. Not only did he take the insult in stride, but he turned it into a mic-drop moment. Take notes, politicians. - “No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.”
Translation: If you can’t remember what you told your boss about that ‘sick day,’ you might want to rethink your strategy. - “You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.”
Honest Abe dropping truth bombs before Twitter was even a thing. Modern politicians, please take a seat. - “The best way to predict your future is to create it.”
Alternatively, you could just check your horoscope and blame Mercury retrograde for everything. - “Leave nothing for tomorrow which can be done today.”
Unless it’s laundry. Always leave laundry for future-you to suffer through.
Abe’s Social Commentary (19th-Century Mic Drops)
Lincoln had a sharp tongue when it came to society, leadership, and just about everything in between. Here are some of his best observations.
- “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”
Lincoln was basically subtweeting every person who has ever lost an argument online. - “Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves.”
Abe, politely telling oppressors to take several seats. - “I do not like that man. I must get to know him better.”
Extroverts: This is why we have trust issues. - “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.”
Or, in modern terms, when your WiFi is down, keep refreshing until it works again. - “I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true.”
A solid mantra for anyone attempting to diet during the holiday season.
Honest Abe on Politics & Leadership
Running a country isn’t easy, but Lincoln had a knack for summing up leadership with wit and wisdom.
- “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.”
Alternatively, give him control over the office thermostat and watch the chaos unfold. - “The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he made so many of them.”
Roasting humanity as a whole? Bold move, Mr. President. - “My concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God’s side.”
Imagine dropping this in a political debate and walking away like a boss. - “You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.”
Which is exactly why procrastination exists.
Abe on Self-Improvement & Personal Growth
Personal growth is hard, but Lincoln had some sage (and sometimes hilarious) advice to keep us going.
- “Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.”
Smart man. Meanwhile, the rest of us would probably spend the first five hours watching YouTube tutorials on tree cutting. - “The better part of one’s life consists of his friendships.”
Translation: Choose your group chat wisely. - “Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.”
But let’s be honest, coffee also helps. - “I am a slow walker, but I never walk back.”
Spoken like a man who has definitely tripped up the stairs but played it off like a pro.
Lincoln’s Timeless Wisdom (Now With Extra Sarcasm!)
Lincoln had a way with words, and some of his most famous quotes are still eerily relevant today.
- “Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.”
Or, in today’s terms, good luck getting a PS5 if you weren’t refreshing your cart like a maniac. - “I never had a policy; I have just tried to do my very best each and every day.”
Sounds suspiciously like something a student says before an exam they didn’t study for. - “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
So basically, happiness is a choice, but so is being grumpy in traffic. - “Don’t worry when you are not recognized, but strive to be worthy of recognition.”
Except for that one time you held the door open and didn’t even get a ‘thank you.’ That still stings. - “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”
Unless it’s Monday. Mondays arrive like a freight train with no brakes.
Abraham Lincoln was much more than a president—he was a sharp-witted, joke-cracking, wisdom-dropping legend. His words still resonate today, proving that honesty, humor, and a well-timed quip can make even the toughest situations a little more bearable.
So the next time you need a little encouragement—or just an excuse to sound profound—steal one of Abe’s quotes and deliver it with confidence. Bonus points if you wear a top hat while doing it.
