50+ Funny Baby Quotes for New Parents

Welcome to the wild, wonderful, and—let’s face it—sometimes downright weird world of parenting! As you navigate your way through diaper changes, midnight feedings, and a whole new level of exhaustion, you’ll need a good laugh to keep your spirits high. That’s where we step in with our collection of 50+ funny baby quotes for new parents.

These quotes aren’t just humorous, they’re a reminder that you’re not alone on this journey. Each one is a nugget of wisdom wrapped in wit, sure to bring a smile to your face even on the toughest days. So sit back, relax, and let’s jump into a world of laughter and love that only parenting can bring.

Undeniably True Funny Baby Quotes

Life with a newborn is all kinds of chaos bundled in cuteness. These humorous quotes perfectly capture the ups, downs, and hilarious moments you’re going through. They’re laughter-packed illustrations of hands-on parenting experiences.

The Reality of Diaper Changing

• “Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother – you’re not sure what you’ve got but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.” – Unknown
• “Twelve hours of labor? How about a lifetime of changing diapers, doing laundry and cleaning up spills?” – Unknown
• “Diapers are just ‘shit tickets’ for babies.” – Unknown
• “Parenthood: where ‘going number two’ has a whole new meaning.” – Unknown
• “Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.” – Marshall McLuhan

Sleep Deprivation Humor

• “‘Sleeping like a baby’ is a contradiction. A really bad contradiction.” – Unknown
• “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now’.” – Unknown
• “People who say they ‘sleep like a baby’ usually don’t have one.” – Leo J. Burke
• “Babies are nature’s way of deciding that you’re not getting enough sleep.” – Unknown
• “90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” – Unknown
• “I used to have functioning brain cells, but I traded them in for children.” – Unknown
• “Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: everyone is yelling, everything is sticky, it’s the same music over and over again, and occasionally pukes.” – Unknown
• “Congrats… your newborn has turned your life into a circus.” – Unknown
• “Babies are more trouble than you thought – and more wonderful.” – Charles Osgood

Hilarious Quotes About Babies’ Food Habits

Anyone who’s ever tried to feed a baby knows that meal times often turn into comedy routines. These funny quotes about babies’ food habits might just make those messy moments a little more bearable for you.

The Messy Feeding Times

• “Feeding a baby is like filling a hole with putty; most of it ends up everywhere but in the intended target.” – Author Unknown.
• “Feeding a baby for the first time is a little like trying to fill a moving slot machine with a handful of Jell-O.” – Ben Lucien Burman.
• “A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for.” – Anonymous.
• “A baby is born with a need to be loved—and never outgrows it.” – Frank A. Clark.
• “A baby is God’s opinion that life should go on.” – Carl Sandburg.

Witty Reflections on Little Eaters and Big Appetites

• “When you see a pineapple poster in a kitchen, you know that pineapple eats you from the inside, but when you see a baby trying broccoli for the first time, you really see fear.” – Author Unknown.
• “The real menace in dealing with a baby is that he is so wholesome; he has absolutely no sense of fear – I mean, until you try to feed him green peas!” – Dorothy Parker.
• “The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable – and then begin peeling a banana!” – Lane Olinghouse.
• “There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother’s age.” – Benjamin Spock.
• “A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother – especially when she finds a lemon wedge.” – Mark Twain.

Comical Quotes About Baby Talk and First Words

Get ready to chuckle, as we investigate into the world of baby gibberish, first words, and the hilarious attempts we adults make at understanding them! Here, we present quotes that perfectly encapsulate the humor and wonder in this essential, yet often baffling, phase of a child’s development.

Funny Interpretations of Babbling

• “Adults say ‘baby talk’; babies hear symphonies of sound.”
• “When a baby talks, it’s like a secret language only they understand.”
• “‘Mama’ and ‘Dada’ – the only two linguists who can decode ‘Babynese’.”
• “One who conquers the world is laudable, but ever tried figuring out a baby’s babble?”
• “Babbling may seem nonsensical to us, but for babies, it’s an eloquent monologue!”
• “Who knew making up words could qualify as a language – Ask any baby.”
• “Babies are born poets – masterfully creating language out of thin air.”
• “First words are magic. And by magic, I mean they may just call out to your dog first.”
• “My baby’s first word was ‘up’; we’re still waiting for the ‘down’ part.”
• “A baby’s first word often unveils their future – like a love for ‘ball’ leading to a sports prodigy.”
• “Funny how ‘NO’ is generally not a baby’s first word, but it becomes a favorite soon enough.”
• “My baby’s first word was ‘Dad.’ I’m not jealous, just waiting for my title – ‘The Supreme Ruler of the Universe.'”
• “Every parent awaits their baby’s first word. It’s always a surprise when your name isn’t it.”
• “‘Cookie’ – more common as a first word than you’d imagine. Blame Sesame Street.”

Funny Baby Quotes About Dressing Up

Dressing up your bundle of joy can sometimes turn into a wrestling match more entertaining than any comedy show. Let’s jump into the funnier side of this universal parenting experience.

The Struggles of Dressing a Baby

• “Dressing a baby is like trying to put a marshmallow into a piggy bank.” – Anonymous
• “Parental Skill #58: Being able to dress a live octopus without either party crying.” – Anonymous
• “The baby’s first word was ‘No.’ It’s like getting dressed for a party and your child decides it’s a naked party.” – Anonymous
• “Clothes changing – when the baby goes from being adorable to a tiny Hulk.” – Anonymous
• “If wrestling an alligator looks hard, try dressing an active baby!” – Anonymous
• “The only thing we flip more than pancakes at this house is our baby during a diaper change.” – Anonymous
• “Babies only wear onesies because they can’t express their deep love for nudity yet.” – Anonymous
• “You know you’re a mom when you understand why mama bear’s porridge was cold.” – Anonymous
• “Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” – Conan O’Brien
• “Sometimes I wish I had a third hand… so I can hold the two I already have.” – Anonymous
• “Welcome to the magical world of parenting, where ‘because I said so’ becomes a valid reason.” – Anonymous

Hilarious Parenting Quotes Related to Playtime

After surviving diaper changes and meal messes, playtime can seem like a walk in the park. But as you’ll find out, it comes with its own set of hilarious, hair-pulling moments. Here are some quotes that capture the fun, absurdity, and joy of babies at play.

Baby’s Hilarious Playtime Antics

• “Having a baby is like having a pet kangaroo. One minute they’re in their crib, and the next they’re across the room. The only difference is, kangaroos probably have quieter playtimes.”
• “Every child is an artist, the problem is staying an artist when you grow up.” – Picasso. Sure Picasso, try to explain that to your freshly crayoned wall.
• “They say ‘Play is the work of the child.’ Well, I just wish they’d give me a pay raise.”
• “Remember when ‘throw-and-fetch’ was a cute game with your dog? Now, it’s just how your baby thinks every mealtime should go.”
• “A child’s laughter could simply be one of the most beautiful sounds in the world. Except when you have no idea what they’re laughing at. Then it’s creepy.”
• “When a baby plays with a toy, it’s the cutest thing. When they prefer an empty water bottle over that expensive, organic, hand-crafted, educational toy, it’s maddening.”
• “‘If I destroy my toys, I don’t have to put them away.’ – Baby logic, I assume.”
• “A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.” This one hits home, right?
• “A clean house after kids is like a unicorn—everyone talks about it, but no one’s actually seen one.”
• “Whoever invented the phrase ‘slept like a baby’ clearly hasn’t tried assembling a toy while a baby is trying to sleep.”

Quotes on Baby’s Growth and Development

Embarking on the journey of your baby’s growth and development brings a myriad of emotions, but nothing comes close to the hilarity of it. Here, we’ve compiled funny baby quotes that perfectly encapsulate this milestone-filled phase.

Funny Milestones and Achievements

• “Having a new baby is like suddenly getting the world’s worst roommate.” -Anne Lamott
• “Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.” -John Updike
• “Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your kids.” -Sam Levenson
• “They eat, they crap, they sleep. And if they’re crying, they need to do one of the three and they’re having trouble doing it. Real simple.” -Matthew McConaughey
• “In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on TV.” -Erma Bombeck
• “Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.” -Martin Mull
• “Having a baby is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” -Ray Romano

Laughing Through the Teething Struggles

• “Teething babies are like little vampires. They love to bite, they won’t sleep and they hate garlic.” -Unknown
• “Teething – the only part of parenting when YOU wish to crumple in someone else’s warm embrace and sob salty tears of despair.” -Unknown
• “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” -Milton Berle
• “Remember when any mention of a ‘ring’ sent shivers of joy down your spine? Now it’s only ‘teething ring’.” -Unknown
• “Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” -Ed Asner
• “Teething should be considered an extreme sport. It’s like fight club for babies.” -Unknown

Chuckle-Worthy Quotes on Twins and Multiples

The Double Trouble

• “Remember, when you’re home alone with the kids and there’s a knock at the door, this is the only situation where it’s okay to see no evil, hear no evil.” — Unknown
• “It’s double the giggles and double the grins, and double the trouble if you’re blessed with twins.” — Unknown
• “Raising twins: Twice the love, twice the diapers, and half the sleep.” – Unknown
• “You can’t understand the world of multiples until you’re living it.” — Unknown
• “Twins have a special bond. They feel safer with each other than with their peers.” — Jeanne Phillips
• “Twins, once unleashed upon the world, will never be reboxed.” — Unknown
• “As a parent of twins, you just follow the path of least resistance — which inevitably leads to the cookie jar.” — Unknown
• “The best thing about having twins is that you only have to go through pregnancy once to get two kids.” — Unknown
• “Twins by birth, best friends by choice.” — Unknown
• “God gives us only what we can handle. Apparently, God thinks I’m a badass.” — Unknown
• “Twins: Because everyone else should have to share a womb for 9 months just to understand sibling bonds.” — Unknown
• “Twins are different flowers from the same garden.” — Unknown
• “Parenting twins is like a never-ending game of ‘who’s on first?’.” — Unknown
• “Twins mean double the kisses and double the fun. It’s the perfect two-for-one.” — Unknown
• “There’s two to wash, two to dry; There’s two who argue, two who cry…. There’s two to kiss, two to hug; And best of all, there’s two to love!” — Jerry Smith
• “Sometimes miracles come in pairs.” — Richard Branson

Celebrities’ Funny Quotes on Babies and Parenting

It’s not just us normals who have hilarious takes on the trials and tribulations of parenthood. Celebrities too face the same challenges, and sometimes their real-life parenting quips can be as funny as their scripted lines. Let’s see how fame adds humor to raising children.

Hollywood’s Take on Parenthood

• Will Smith: “Parenting isn’t for sissies. You have to sacrifice and grow up.”
• Tina Fey: “Being a mom has made me so tired. And so happy.”
• Chris Rock: “You don’t really know how to raise a kid until you have a few. Each one is different.”
• Amy Poehler: “Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I’m looking forward to investigating in the future.”
• Julia Roberts: “It’s not romantic, but parenting and marriage are a kind of work. Every day is just a victory because you made it through the last day.”
• Chris Hemsworth: “Dad’s just a fancy word for a baby bodyguard. Sacrificing sleep and personal time are the badges of honor.”
• Ryan Reynolds: “Being a dad isn’t just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word hero.”
• Angelina Jolie: “There’s nothing to explain why one child gets so orderly and the other is a crazy banshee. I’m still figuring it out.”
• Kelly Ripa: “The secret to a happy marriage? Separate bathrooms and separate vacations!”
• Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson: “I was raised by strong women, and that DNA is in my daughter and wife. I’m the guy who’s the recipient of all the estrogen and attitude in the home.”
• Gordon Ramsay: “You think your life is tough? Try arguing with a teen about why they need to go to school. I’d rather face an angry chef any day.”
• Charlize Theron: “I mean, I’m tired, but even in my lack of sleep, I’m actually still just so incredibly happy and so grateful.”

User-Submitted Funny Baby Quotes

Parenting can be a rollercoaster of emotions, and what’s a better way to lighten the mood than some good humor? Here are some favorite funny baby quotes, selected by our own readers, that showcase the real, unfiltered, and hilarious side of parenting.

• “Two-year-olds are kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have the top for it.”
• “Getting down and playing with my kids is all fun and games until I try to stand back up.”
• “Why do they want dinner every single night?”
• “‘We have a two-year-old, to cry is to live’ – every parent of a toddler.”
• “Remember when we thought ‘Yay, they’re starting to walk’? Boy, were we stupid.”
• “My kids’ idea of a hard life is when they have to go more than an hour without eating.”
• “Whoever said ‘sleeps like a baby’ obviously never had one.”
• “The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are babies and dogs.”
• “Silence is golden. Unless you have a toddler. In that case, silence is very, very suspicious.”
• “I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband.”

These user-submitted quotes add another layer of humor and relatability, connecting parents from all walks of life as they navigate the chaotic, joyful, and oftentimes hilarious journey of parenthood.