50 Funny Quotes About Marriage Survival

Ever found yourself in a situation where you need a good laugh about the trials and tribulations of marriage? Well, you’re not alone! Marriage is a grand, amusing roller coaster ride that’s filled with ups, downs, and unexpected turns.

We’ve compiled 50 humorous quotes about marriage survival that’ll not only tickle your funny bone but also offer a fresh perspective on the age-old institution. So, buckle up and prepare for a hearty laugh because these quotes are relatable, hilarious, and full of wisdom.

Marriage Survival Humor Quotes

Here are some witty and humorous quotes about surviving the ups and downs of marriage. These quotes capture the essence of the marriage journey with a touch of humor.

• “Marriage: the only war where you sleep with the enemy.” – Unknown
• “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman
• “Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.” – Johnny Carson
• “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” – Ogden Nash
• “In Las Vegas, they’ll bet on anything. One casino is now offering odds on my third marriage.” – Rodney Dangerfield
• “Marriages are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?” – Unknown
• “Why do married people live longer? Because an unmarried man can’t argue himself to death.” – Unknown
• “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” – Red Skelton
• “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft
• “Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.” – Unknown

Comedy of Married Life Quotes

These quotes bring a comedic touch to the everyday experiences of married life. Enjoy the laughter!

• “Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.”
• “My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”
• “If you want your wife to listen to you, talk in your sleep.”
• “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
• “Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.”
• “Marriage is a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops.”
• “Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening.”
• “All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the problems.”
• “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
• “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”

Funny Marital Challenges Quotes

These quotes highlight the humorous side of the challenges faced in marriage. They offer a light-hearted look at some common marital hurdles.

• “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” – Henny Youngman
• “Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.” – Anonymous
• “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
• “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip
• “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman
• “I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm but she said that she doesn’t like to call me at work.” – Rodney Dangerfield
• “In married life, three is company and two none.” – Oscar Wilde
• “Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution?” – Groucho Marx
• “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin
• “Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns

Marriage Communication Humor Quotes

Communication is key in any marriage. These quotes add humor to the often complex and humorous nature of marital communication.

• “When you’re married, it’s always about ‘we’. And that word ‘we’ is a castle, complete with a moat and a dragon to protect it from everything outside.” – Bill Cosby
• “Spouses, if you want your partner’s attention, don’t talk. They’ll assume you must be talking to them.” – Franklin P. Jones
• “As a married person, you have to translate I’m hungry, tired, want to go out into ‘Would you like me to make you a sandwich, darling?'” – Alan Coren
• “The secret to a happy marriage is if you can be at peace with someone within four walls, if you are content because the one you love is near to you, either upstairs or downstairs, or in the same room, and you feel that warmth that you don’t find very often, then that is what love is all about.” – Bruce Forsyth
• “Marriage: where ‘What do you want for dinner?’ is the most controversial question.” – Rob DenBleyker
• “A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.” – Andre Maurois
• “When a woman says, ‘do what you want,’ do not do what you want. Stand still. Do not blink. Don’t even breathe. Just play dead.” – Unknown
• “Don’t underestimate your wife’s ability to find things out. It’s always incredible to me the sixth sense women have about knowing stuff they shouldn’t.” – Will Ferrell
• “My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.” – Rodney Dangerfield
• “Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. Now who’s asking the questions?” – Jack Handey

Laughing Through Tough Times in Marriage Quotes

Marriage can have its tough times, but a good laugh can make things better. These quotes offer a humorous take on navigating through the rough patches.

• “In marriage, you don’t always need to be right… but it’s important to know how to gracefully lose an argument.” – Unknown
• “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.” – Unknown
• “An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” – Booth Tarkington
• “Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? Mafia wants your money or life… wives want BOTH!” – Sam Levenson
• “Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.” – Maryon Pearson
• “The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” – H. V. Prochnow
• “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
• “Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” – Ogden Nash
• “Marriage is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, but it’s always better when you scream together.” – Unknown
• “In marriage, you need to have a sense of humor. A marriage without laughter is like a car without gas: it won’t get you anywhere.” – Unknown